It’s been about a week since my last post, and there’s a good reason – my fiance and I are in the process of planning our wedding. We’re trying to keep things simple, but even doing things simply is harder than it would appear. I’m decided to “make lemonade”, so to speak, by tackling a few different wedding-related topics that have been particularly frustrating for us.
The first of these topics is the gift registry. I want to go on record right now as saying that I dislike all of the commercialism that seems to orbit wedding plans, and at the center of that commercialism is the wedding gift registry. This is of course a multifaceted issue, so I’m going to take a couple of posts to cover it. This post is directed at couples registering for gifts.
The problem with weddings is that it’s traditional to invite stacks and stacks of people that you’re probably not really all that close to, mainly because custom and etiquette dictate a relatively large guest list for anything but the smallest private ceremony. The same custom and etiquette that created the large guest list demands that those guests who attend (among other things) bring you a gift. The problem comes when you realize that most of them don’t know what to give you, but they probably won’t admit it by just giving you cash. They also probably won’t completely opt out of giving you a gift, because (etiquette-wise) that would be worse than giving cash.
Gift registries were created to be a tactful way to manage this disconnect. You tell the store’s computer what you want, and it tells your friends and relatives. I’m not altogether sure why this is okay when just calling people up and telling them what to get you is considered inappropriate, but it is what it is.
But registries are rough. It’s not just that you have to deal with a pricing gun that doesn’t work half the time, although there is that. I mean, really, how can a price scanning gun from Target that’s being used in Target possibly be “out of network range”? Before you even get to fight with the pricing gun though you have to figure out what you’re going to need/want at the time of your wedding. Since your wedding is probably three or months out at that point, you’re trying to gaze into a crystal ball and see the future. You need to figure out where your guests shop, and which stores have the things that you need. Once you have all that, you get to spend hours upon hours of your time roaming department stores with the aforementioned defective pricing gun, frantically trying to zap all of your wants and needs into the computer.
If you’re really moving out on your own for the first time, or if you have lots of things that you need, this is really about all there is to it – pick one or two major stores that are convenient for both you and your guests, and register for anything and everything you think you might need. You’re the sort of person the traditional registry idea works well for.
But what if you’re like my fiance and I? We have most of the things we really need. By that I don’t mean we have everything, but we do have dishes, silverware, basic cookware, bedding, basic furniture, etc. Most of the stuff we have is in perfectly fine, serviceable condition and doesn’t need to be replaced. Here’s the real kicker – many things we don’t have are omitted by design. It’s not just that we don’t have them, in many cases we don’t want them.
In this situation, you’ve got a problem. People will still be buying you gifts, whether or not you think you need them. Some of your close friends will get you great stuff, because they know you. Aunt Mildred, on the other hand, might gift you with a gold-leaf Christmas GingerBread Man Gravy Boat. If you do your registry properly ahead of time, you might be spared the stigma of having to ask Aunt Mildred whether or not she kept the receipt. Your registry is still probably going to contain a few items you want, but it will definitely wind up serving as a self-defense mechanism to weed out junk.
If you’re in this boat (the registry boat, not the gravy boat!) with us, here are some of the tricks that we’ve discovered along the way that may just help you keep your sanity.
Register For Things You’d Never Buy For Yourself – People want to get you things that you’ll really like. Let’s say you’d be happy if you got a new set of computer speakers, but you wouldn’t buy them for yourself because you have other priorities. If it will be used and enjoyed, toss it on your registry.
Register At One Or Two Stores, Max – For the general guest list, you want to be registered at stores that are easily available to them, and that have enough variety that you can find most of what you’re looking for. In Wisconsin, Target is a good example of such a store. You can even register at Wal-Mart if you want. The less stores you’re registered at, the less confusion and headache you’ll have managing registries and returns.
Ask Good Friends For Special Items – If you really want one or two special items at a specialty retailer, mention it privately to a few close friends that might want to get it for you. Your closest friends probably care more about you than they do about arbitrary wedding customs.
Register For General Supplies – My fiance and I registered for a sponge mop and about 6 sponge heads for it, as well as a stack of cleaning products and several boxes of compact-fluorescent light bulbs (at $15 per box, it’s something we don’t always have tons of extras of). These items add up quickly, we’ll need them in the future, and by their design they’re consumable products. Unless we stop needing light or decide never to clean or mop the floor, they’ll get used at some point.
Ask For Easily Returnable Items – You may not want to do this, but it’s an option that’s on the table. If you register at a store that has a liberal return policy (many stores are very understanding with post-wedding returns) you can register for a few dozen small trinket-type items (clocks, radios, knickknacks, etc.) that you may or may not want. Keep these items in the $10 to $25 range, so most people can afford them. After you get them as gifts, politely thank the givers and decide which ones you want to keep. Return the rest. This has the benefit of at least getting you a gift card out of the deal, and as long as you’ve picked a store you shop at regularly a gift card is almost the same as cash.
Register For Things You’re Planning To Buy Before The Wedding – This one got at least one of my friends to roll their eyes, but follow my logic. Let’s say you’re going to be buying a new food processor a week from now, and your wedding isn’t for three months. Register for the food processor. If you get it as a gift, return it. Now you’ve got your money back (so you didn’t spend anything on the food processor yourself), and you can honestly tell the person who got you the gift how much you’re enjoying the food processor. Effectively all you’ve done is use the store return policy to time-shift a purchase.
Ask For Cash – This is hard to do directly. I’ve only seen it done once where it didn’t look incredibly tacky, and that was for a couple getting married in the United States who was going to be immediately moving to South Korea. Everybody gave them cash so they could spend it once they arrived in South Korea. Rather than moving to a different continent, you can try to mobilize your parents (and your spouse’s parents) to let everybody know that your real needs are cash to pay debt/bills. It won’t work for everybody, but it’s worth a shot.
Ask For Cash Equivalents – If you shop for groceries at Wal-Mart or Sam’s Club, Wal-Mart gift cards are just as good as cash. The same technique applies as asking for cash, just run it through back channels rather than saying it directly.
Opt Out Entirely – If you’ve really got everything you need, and there’s nothing you want at all, you can just opt out. Put right on the invitation that you don’t want gifts, and maybe suggest a charity they could donate to in your name if they feel they need to get you something. You might still wind up with the GingerBread Man Gravy Boat, but you’ll have the invitation to point to when you cheerfully donate it to Goodwill.
I’m sure these aren’t the only tips and tricks out there for managing some of the pre-wedding gift registry insanity….if you’ve got more ideas (or criticism of my ideas!) sound off in the comments!