A reader raised a fantastic point a ways back. She has a kid, and she has family members that want to help by offering some clothes so she doesn’t have to spend a bunch of money. This comment speaks perfectly to the desire to be frugal and accept the help, while not becoming overwhelmed in the process. I’ve edited it a bit for length and to highlight the issue:
I just got done sorting clothing from a certain family member. The clothing is SO numerous that I am overwhelmed with what to do with it all. Now I am overwhelmed with figuring out how to ‘tag’ them to the giver because they have NOT given me the uncategorical authority to dispose of them. They want them back. Seriously, what is the emotional attachment to this stuff that people would not just part with it and be done? What to do when a person doesn’t subscribe to the same set of values and mindset that you do?
I’ve invested in Rubbermaid totes to store it all, when I give it back, I’m left with empty totes… Seems so counterproductive, especially when I could get my baby through a summer with $15 worth of new clothes in his tiny dresser in his room. Is it considered NOT frugal to purchase a small amount of what you really want and will be happy with then to have oodles and oodles of stuff that you don’t really like (considering that you can afford it)?
After reading that comment, I think I’d be overwhelmed too if I were in Ellen’s situation.
Let’s Define “Frugal”
On the most basic level, being frugal means that things aren’t being wasted. When it comes to clothes, “frugal” usually means that the clothes are being repurposed as much as possible before being thrown away. In the perfect world, clothes would be worn until they were too dirty or otherwise inappropriate to wear, then recycled as rags, stuffing for a pillow, etc.
But even if you want that to be the way the world is, this doesn’t have to mean that you have to wear them until they’re too dirty or otherwise inappropriate to wear. It means that when you’re done with them you pass them on someplace where they can do some good.
When you’re on the receiving end of that “passing on”, you have to evaluate whether the time you spend dealing with the donations is worth it. Ellen mentioned storage bins, sorting, tagging, and a huge amount of time being spent to deal with the hand-me-downs – and that needs to be factored in as a cost.
That storage space, cost for bins, and time spent has to be weighed against the value received. If Ellen has five kids, and would otherwise be spending $200 per year on each kid for clothes, the value of storing the clothes ($1000/year!) could be very high. If she only has one kid though, and that one kid is so young they don’t even really need clothes yet, the value of storing ten bins full of cute baby outfits is incredibly low.
With me so far?
Are You The Recipient Of Inappropriate Generosity?
You don’t have to accept hand-me-downs and such from other people. If you’ve decided that you don’t want them, then just make that clear. If you do want them, but you don’t want the obligations the giver is trying to stick you with, try saying “I appreciate you giving me these clothes. When I’m done with them I’ll make sure they get passed on someplace else where they can do some good.”
That statement, incidentally, embodies the very essence of frugality.
If those terms aren’t acceptable to them, and you can’t come to a reasonable agreement, then don’t let the clothes in your door. Make yourself clear about your feelings, and make no apologies for them. There are better ways to get low-priced or free clothes than accepting onerous obligations.
Ultimately, You Want To Own Your Stuff
Except in rare circumstances (like a prom dress or something super-special), if it doesn’t become “yours” you probably don’t want donations from other people. And in any case, only store clothes that are in good repair, look nice, and that you can see yourself (or other member of your household) wearing. Everything else gets packed and pitched – in a way that maximizes its value to others.
I don’t have children, so I don’t have the problem with clothing – but I have accumulated more than my fair share of other things that people think I need/want. Computer cables, old printers, old computers, and other technology discards all used to find their way to my door on a weekly basis. Now they don’t, because I’ve made it pretty clear that I don’t have the time to do anything with them. I just funnel them to the local Goodwill, who also happens to be an electronics recycling center.
The type of item doesn’t really matter. “Too much” is too much, for everything from marbles to minivans – and the price of the item is only one of many considerations when deciding whether you want it in your life or not.
Do you have any strategies for dealing with unwanted castoffs? Any techniques you’ve found work particularly well?
I’ve been dealing with the issue of hand me downs for over 20 years now so I’ve been around the block a few times. Here is my strategy…
1. Never accept items that are expected back. Ever. There is too much stress attached to that situation. How will you remember it is theirs? Will the item become stained or damaged while your child uses it (very likely)? Will it get lost? (Happens all the time, especially as the child gets older) Will there be hurt feelings if you don’t return something (lost or forgotten) or if you return it stained or damaged and will they expect you to replace the item or pay them for it? Not worth it!
2. There is never a need to buy totes or bins. The grocery store will give you very sturdy boxes with lids. You only need to ask. They are easy to label with a Sharpie and when you are done with them they are easily recycled.
3. I handle hand me downs for several children. I mark the clothing as to which child owns it (for now) in a way that makes it easy for me to mark it for the next child…not with their names.
4. If all this fails, remember, used kids clothes are cheap. Garage sale, thrift store etc.
Thanks for commenting Heidi! That’s a great strategy. I’m curious about #3 though – is there some way you handle it so that the old marking is removable, or do you just have a system where the old mark becomes part of the new mark, or … ?
Sounds a ton better than writing somebody’s name on something. 🙂
I use a dot system. With a permanent marker I place dots on the tag. The oldest child, my first has 1 dot on the tags, my second child has 2 dots, my third child has 3 dots…and so on down to my 8th child who has 8 dots on his clothes…this way when child 1 hands down a shirt (which has 1 dot on the tag) to child 2 I just add another dot to the tag (to make 2 dots) so show it now belongs to child number 2. When child 5 hands down an item (it has 5 dots on the tag) I just add the extra dots to show the new ownership, 6 dots if it goes to my 6th child or 8 if it going to #8…I actually have a few items that have made it through all 8 of my kids.
That makes a lot of sense. And if you wind up giving it to somebody else at some point, they have dots – not a big tag with the name of some kid they’ve never heard of. 🙂
Thanks for sharing the system Heidi!
I inherited cloths from a cousin. I was NEVER going to be her size/shape. But, Mom took them to keep from offending Dad’s relatives. I always wondered if they were offended to never see me wear them.
Thanks for commenting Linda!
The relatives probably thought that you wore them to school or something. 🙂 Did your mom take them and then turn around and donate them to somebody else? Or did she put them in a box in the attic/basement?
Robert – I appreciate you doing a post about my issues. After I spent all that time going through the clothes, there ended up being probably 6 items that I chose to remove, launder and will use. Out of 3 totes worth of items. Many of the items are older, having been through 2 boys – the originator is now almost 9 years old, so that tells you the age of most of these clothes. Is it not frugal of me to want a few, new, fresh things for my baby to wear such that I forego the ‘free’ items? I struggle with that. Given that I am a savvy shopper and can get the few items that I need for very little money, I have been buying a few things here and there that I LIKE, that I WOULD CHOOSE and that I WANT my son to wear…
On to the next point, I spoke with the giver again about the items, asked if I can give them to goodwill and once again, was rebuked. The giver wants them back (just in case there is another baby in the family— keeping in mind that these clothes will now be approaching the double digits in years). I told her that I can’t keep track of everything and there is likely to be some clothes that are not originally from her in what I return (I have been giving right to Goodwill as soon as my son grows out of them). She said that she would go through the bins – yet again – and pick out what was mine and return them to me. ARUGH!!!! How does someone remember what they gave someone like that? I’m really fighting a losing battle here.
I had a discussion about the whole situation with my husband who is way more pragmatic and rational than me. He basically said just use what you want, or don’t even use it at all. Who cares??? Give her back the clothes if that’s what she wants and let her do the work to sort them back out if that’s what blows her skirt up. Don’t even go through the next bags you get and just buy what you want. Why is this a big deal??? I love the male viewpoint, things get so much simpler!!!
Ellen, you’ve hit on a really good point – a lot of times, our expected use of hand-me-downs is far greater than reality. You said out of three totes, there were six things you’d use. There are people who’d store those totes for five years, only to discover that there were only six appropriate items when they went to dig through them. Storing three totes for six items isn’t minimal, simple, or frugal. 🙂
I don’t see anything wrong with you buying new clothes for your son. If you’re buying $40 designer onesies, you might want to consider your motivations. But if you’re catching new clothes for good prices and keeping your son’s wardrobe to a reasonable level, it’s not a big deal.
I’d send all of the totes back to this lady, and tell her that she’s welcome to keep her clothes “just in case”. Too many strings, too much stress.
Anything that causes you hours (or days!) of stress isn’t really saving you anything. You’re accepting a week of stress to save a few bucks, and that’s just not a good trade.
That doesn’t mean that a good friend might not be getting rid of some clothes that would be perfect for your son, and that you might want to consider taking them – but don’t let saving a couple bucks on a shirt or two throw your life into turmoil. It’s just not worth it!
LMAO – too bad “this lady” is my sister-in-law…. That’s what make this situation ever the more sensitive! 😉
Hi all,
I’ve been in a similar situation with borrowed baby clothes etc,I found it useful and non useful simultaneously as well.The clothes take up space etc..I found as time wore on It became easier to cheerfully decline my relatives generosity and ultimately it is your choice.
I definitely agree that it’s a good idea to weigh up if what you get from this is worth the dramas,as I got older I realised I was always worried if I said no id hurt someone’s feelings etc yet I was causing myself pain by doing that.
What matters most is what’s important to your family,your vision of what you want in your life ,and you have all the control…well meaning relatives can be a complete pain ,I know! The passive aggression in the guise of ‘help’ is difficult to know how to respond to and maybe she just doesn’t want to store the clothes either?
I say stick to your guns,your husband is correct….say thanks but no thanks and buy $50 worth of gorgeous stuff you can donate after.good luck!:)